I Have A Good Story

I saw the anger flow across her face like lava from a volcano. Daisy turned beet red, and stormed across the gym.  She grabbed the iPhone 4 and yanked it out of the speaker jack. “Who put this shit on?” My 7:30 pm CrossFit class was filled with twenty-somethings and 2 moms.  It was a dynamic class with lots of tattoos, swearing, and sweating. Daisy was the self-appointed team captain.  She had a “strong personality”. When it came to the music, the class listened to what she wanted to listen to. I was her favorite coach.  Partially because I indulged her temper.  And perhaps because we shared a similar taste in workout music. Whenever I put on “Big Poppa” by Notorious B.I.G she dropped the barbell and started dancing. What had gotten Daisy so worked up? Someone had played a delicious practical joke.  They had queued up “What Makes You Beautiful” by One Direction.  And put it on an endless loop. The first time it played no one noticed because the whole...

I felt the flesh rip off the palm of my hand. DAMMIT! CrossFit class yesterday was a good one for me.  Descending reps of deadlifts and pullups. 5-4-3-2-1 deadlifts at 225, 10-8-6-4-2 pull-ups.   It was 8:40 am and it was already 38C.  Grip was something you remembered with nostalgia.  I put chalk on my palms and it slid off like pancake batter. It’s been more than 2 months since I last touched a barbell with 2 wheels on it.  Hopefully muscle memory will kick in? “Smooth is fast” echoed in my brain.  The first few rounds of each flowed like Mozart.  But I felt a familiar pinch on the last deadlift.    You can’t run from the battle.  You have to bring the fight.  I jumped up for the last 2 pull-ups. 4:32.  Is that fast?  Slow?  No idea.  Dripping sweat from everywhere, blood dripping from the tear in my hand.  Good. I washed away the chalk and evidence in the bathroom.  The cold water bit like...

T he kid demolished his Wendy’s Baconator in 4 gigantic bites. It was 11:56 am.  I was setting up to teach the noon CrossFit class.  Sitting on the bench near the men’s changing rooms was Duracell. While his real name might have been Douglas, the kid had magnificent flowing red hair.  He went from Doug to Dougie to Coppertop to Duracell in about a week.  Nicknames move fast on the gym floor. He had pulled up to the big rolling door on his bike, gym bag slung over his shoulder with a Wendy’s sack in one hand and a chocolate Frosty in the other. Watching him wolf down his lunch was like watching a National Geographic documentary on lions of the Serengeti.  Baconator in 4 bites.  5 handfuls of fries.  Somehow he drained his Frosty in 3 slurps without brain freeze.  Impressive work. He dropped everything in the trash, grinned and jogged over to his lane.  “Ready Coach!” I nodded my approval. If I had polished off a Baconator mere moments before 2...

  Sherry shook her head and pointed across the room. “That!” she exclaimed. “I want to look like THAT! ” Hanging from the pull-up bar was Chita.  Short for Conchita.  My only Puerto Rican athlete.  Booty shorts.  Sports bra.  Tattoos for days. Facing away from us repping strict pullups.  Her back looked like twenty miles of country road. Chita walked in the doors three years ago after a bad breakup.  Never left.   Super sweet lady.  But trained like a caffeinated badger. I sighed. Sherry was a 34-year-old mom of three.  5 foot 2.  176 lbs. I nodded. “Sherry, if you eat a certain way, and train a certain way, 3-4 times a week for the next year and a half, you will get your first pull-up.” Sherry looked at me like I had just farted in church. She tried.  She really tried. The nightly routine of 3 glasses of Chardonnay became 1 glass Wednesday and weekends. Little Caesar sent out a search party looking for her.  Sh...

  He took a huge hit of his vape and shook his head. “Tell me the truth.  Was it a set up?  How did the grandma beat me?” Kevin and I were standing in the parking lot at 8:19 pm on a Monday night.  He was still dripping with sweat after his first CrossFit class. I shook my head.  No tricks.  Annie is 63.  She demolished 28 year old Kevin in a 15 minute AMRAP of 15 cals rowing, 15 power cleans at 55 pounds, and 15 burpees. Kevin worked construction.  He had quit smoking 9 months ago.  Vaping and huge coffees took the place of cigarettes. He had packed on 12 unwanted pounds in that time.  His wife had been coming to class for almost a year and was unrecognizable.   Kevin was fed up with hearing about CrossFit and was convinced she was in a cult.  The fact that she was down 3 sizes in a year was confusing the argument.  Finally he gave in and agreed to try a free class to show the ladies what time it was. He could not me...

The dude had long flowing blond hair like David Lee Roth in the Van Halen Jump video. He was wearing baggy sweatpants.  His fluorescent orange tank top was visible from space.  He had the tan.  It was Canada in February.   Who is this guy? One of my ladies brought her boyfriend to class for show and tell. He's a bodybuilder. He’s been teasing her and said, "CrossFit is for girls." Luckily for him, he's in a class with eight women.  I get him to sign the waiver and we get to work. After the warm up we tackle shoulder presses.  My strongest ladies are push pressing 95 for 5.  He’s tossing around 135 with relative ease.   Next up? The WOD that day was super simple.  One-minute max calorie assault bike.  We had 4 bikes so we had to do two heats. Schwarzenegger is in the first heat and his girlfriend is talking smack.  "Oh, you're going down, buddy. The loser does the dishes!” “Bet!” he roared.  His confidence was stronge...