I Have A Good Story

She shook her head violently.  “Coach, ain’t nobody got time for that!” Kayleigh had just gone through my meal prep plan.  She was 29, and a mom to a 14-month-old daughter Violet. She was 15 days into CrossFit. I took the 8-page workbook and set it on the bench away from us. The words of my first coach echoed in my mind.  “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.” There was no way a new mom was going to start tracking macros, meal prepping, and taking boxes of chicken, rice and broccoli in her purse with her. I could sense her frustration.  She was surviving on Cheerios that fell on the floor and carrot sticks. Kayleigh was a woman’s woman.  5’9” and 177 pounds.  Her husband was a metal worker and a volunteer fireman.  And she worked at a factory making truck bumpers before her daughter arrived.  She was strong under those big sweaters and hoodies. We began the negotiation.  “Would you be willing to eat 1 steak every sin...

I saw the anger flow across her face like lava from a volcano. Daisy turned beet red, and stormed across the gym.  She grabbed the iPhone 4 and yanked it out of the speaker jack. “Who put this shit on?” My 7:30 pm CrossFit class was filled with twenty-somethings and 2 moms.  It was a dynamic class with lots of tattoos, swearing, and sweating. Daisy was the self-appointed team captain.  She had a “strong personality”. When it came to the music, the class listened to what she wanted to listen to. I was her favorite coach.  Partially because I indulged her temper.  And perhaps because we shared a similar taste in workout music. Whenever I put on “Big Poppa” by Notorious B.I.G she dropped the barbell and started dancing. What had gotten Daisy so worked up? Someone had played a delicious practical joke.  They had queued up “What Makes You Beautiful” by One Direction.  And put it on an endless loop. The first time it played no one noticed because the whole...

I felt the flesh rip off the palm of my hand. DAMMIT! CrossFit class yesterday was a good one for me.  Descending reps of deadlifts and pullups. 5-4-3-2-1 deadlifts at 225, 10-8-6-4-2 pull-ups.   It was 8:40 am and it was already 38C.  Grip was something you remembered with nostalgia.  I put chalk on my palms and it slid off like pancake batter. It’s been more than 2 months since I last touched a barbell with 2 wheels on it.  Hopefully muscle memory will kick in? “Smooth is fast” echoed in my brain.  The first few rounds of each flowed like Mozart.  But I felt a familiar pinch on the last deadlift.    You can’t run from the battle.  You have to bring the fight.  I jumped up for the last 2 pull-ups. 4:32.  Is that fast?  Slow?  No idea.  Dripping sweat from everywhere, blood dripping from the tear in my hand.  Good. I washed away the chalk and evidence in the bathroom.  The cold water bit like...

T he kid demolished his Wendy’s Baconator in 4 gigantic bites. It was 11:56 am.  I was setting up to teach the noon CrossFit class.  Sitting on the bench near the men’s changing rooms was Duracell. While his real name might have been Douglas, the kid had magnificent flowing red hair.  He went from Doug to Dougie to Coppertop to Duracell in about a week.  Nicknames move fast on the gym floor. He had pulled up to the big rolling door on his bike, gym bag slung over his shoulder with a Wendy’s sack in one hand and a chocolate Frosty in the other. Watching him wolf down his lunch was like watching a National Geographic documentary on lions of the Serengeti.  Baconator in 4 bites.  5 handfuls of fries.  Somehow he drained his Frosty in 3 slurps without brain freeze.  Impressive work. He dropped everything in the trash, grinned and jogged over to his lane.  “Ready Coach!” I nodded my approval. If I had polished off a Baconator mere moments before 2...

  Sherry shook her head and pointed across the room. “That!” she exclaimed. “I want to look like THAT! ” Hanging from the pull-up bar was Chita.  Short for Conchita.  My only Puerto Rican athlete.  Booty shorts.  Sports bra.  Tattoos for days. Facing away from us repping strict pullups.  Her back looked like twenty miles of country road. Chita walked in the doors three years ago after a bad breakup.  Never left.   Super sweet lady.  But trained like a caffeinated badger. I sighed. Sherry was a 34-year-old mom of three.  5 foot 2.  176 lbs. I nodded. “Sherry, if you eat a certain way, and train a certain way, 3-4 times a week for the next year and a half, you will get your first pull-up.” Sherry looked at me like I had just farted in church. She tried.  She really tried. The nightly routine of 3 glasses of Chardonnay became 1 glass Wednesday and weekends. Little Caesar sent out a search party looking for her.  Sh...

  He took a huge hit of his vape and shook his head. “Tell me the truth.  Was it a set up?  How did the grandma beat me?” Kevin and I were standing in the parking lot at 8:19 pm on a Monday night.  He was still dripping with sweat after his first CrossFit class. I shook my head.  No tricks.  Annie is 63.  She demolished 28 year old Kevin in a 15 minute AMRAP of 15 cals rowing, 15 power cleans at 55 pounds, and 15 burpees. Kevin worked construction.  He had quit smoking 9 months ago.  Vaping and huge coffees took the place of cigarettes. He had packed on 12 unwanted pounds in that time.  His wife had been coming to class for almost a year and was unrecognizable.   Kevin was fed up with hearing about CrossFit and was convinced she was in a cult.  The fact that she was down 3 sizes in a year was confusing the argument.  Finally he gave in and agreed to try a free class to show the ladies what time it was. He could not me...

The dude had long flowing blond hair like David Lee Roth in the Van Halen Jump video. He was wearing baggy sweatpants.  His fluorescent orange tank top was visible from space.  He had the tan.  It was Canada in February.   Who is this guy? One of my ladies brought her boyfriend to class for show and tell. He's a bodybuilder. He’s been teasing her and said, "CrossFit is for girls." Luckily for him, he's in a class with eight women.  I get him to sign the waiver and we get to work. After the warm up we tackle shoulder presses.  My strongest ladies are push pressing 95 for 5.  He’s tossing around 135 with relative ease.   Next up? The WOD that day was super simple.  One-minute max calorie assault bike.  We had 4 bikes so we had to do two heats. Schwarzenegger is in the first heat and his girlfriend is talking smack.  "Oh, you're going down, buddy. The loser does the dishes!” “Bet!” he roared.  His confidence was stronge...

  The woman put her hand over her mouth, and began to cry. I took 2 steps towards her, and then froze.  The older woman gave me “the look” and a slight wave of her hand.  She put her arm around the sobbing woman.   Let me explain. It was a quiet Thursday night.  I had an intimate group of 5 ladies at my “CrossFit Lite” class. All 30 and 40-somethings.  Lululemon leggings and Rush t-shirts.  2 of them divorced, 1 separated.  Mini-vans and SUVS and meals eaten through the window. Heavy yoke carries were on the menu. The giant frame weighed 200 pounds.  I warmed the ladies up and they took turns walking 10 meters with it.  The heavy yoke hurts the neck and traps.  It requires pure grit in spite of the discomfort. The first 2 ladies weebly-wobbled across the floor and grinned breathlessly and high fived their classmates. The third lady looked nervous.  You could see her hands shaking a little as she stood it up.  She took...

  The big man approached me nervously. "Coach, we got a situation. Any chance you could open 10 minutes early tomorrow?" Tomorrow was my first day coaching the 6 am CrossFit class. The previous coach had been opening at 5:59. He had mentioned that the class always started late. I agreed to the request. The next morning at 5:45 I pulled into the dark, snowy parking lot. There were 3 huge trucks, 2 dark, and I could see 3 massive heads silhouetted in the third. I turned the lock in the huge metal door. 3 huge men nodded at me without a word, each clutching an enormous coffee cup. As I put my gym bag on the front desk they headed to the change rooms. The fella who had asked me to come early was gracious. "Thanks Coach. Don't worry, I'll tackle the spackle". I got everything organized for the class as more members arrived at 5:59. They seemed surprised that the lights were on and the doors were open. After class the 3 men were chatting with me. ...

  We have all heard the advice: "You just need better work-life balance." Self-help gurus, corporate HR departments, and wellness coaches act like achieving balance is simple. They tell us that if we just set better boundaries, use a planner, and squeeze in a morning workout, we can magically split our time evenly between our jobs and our personal lives. Here is a much bolder hot take: "Work-life balance" is a toxic corporate lie invented to make you feel guilty for failing at two things at once. Naturally, a lot of people are going to disagree with you. Wellness coaches whose entire brands are built around morning routines will hate it. HR professionals will argue that companies are trying hard to offer flexible schedules. And busy professionals who fiercely guard their weekends will feel like you are invalidating their hard work. Everyone asks me, "David you're so lucky!  You got to retire to Mexico at 53.  How did you do it?"  I was handed a playboo...